Let’s talk about Sobriety

What prompted your decision to stop drinking, and can you share some of the pivotal moments or realisations that led you to make this choice?

It wasn’t really a sudden decision but was more of a gradual thing. I realised that whenever I drank. I didn’t seem to enjoy it particularly because I was so preoccupied with how bad I’d feel the next day. I have recently entered my 50s and alcohol seemed to have a really negative impact on my mental health so the next day and even a week later I’d be feeling low, paranoid, over thinking things and my anxiety would sometimes be through the roof. I would often lash out at the kids if I was feeling bad and then that would make me feel guilty. To be honest it felt like the positives of drinking weren’t really there for me anymore!

How has your life changed since you stopped drinking, both personally and professionally?

I would argue that it has made life more challenging at times! I think when you’re sober you have to finally face up to a lot of your friendships and pastimes and behaviours and past trauma. There is no way to hide or escape and you can’t numb yourself. This means that sometimes you get this strong urge to flee and have to find another outlet. So I have doubled down on writing, on running, on making friendships which feel more real and aren’t based on just getting drunk. It isn’t easy. I think the giving up part it is relatively easy (for me) but the staying sober and not having any other means of ‘getting out of your head’ is hard. Meditation has helped. Yoga too. It’s a cliche but we are often overwhelmed by the negative chatter and booze is the tool that many use to escape that. I’d argue that ultimately though the chatter always comes back. Are there specific improvements or challenges you’ve faced along the way? My father was an alcoholic and so there is a lot of sadness as I’ve stopped drinking now for 2 years and I feel sad that he couldn’t manage it and that there was so much trauma in his life that it was the only way he could escape those feelings. We went through some rough things together and I feel like not drinking is painful because you can’t numb but it’s necessary. To get over trauma you can’t just run away from it. Or you can but it will always return.

Can you describe the support system you’ve built or leaned on during your journey to quit alcohol?

I have good friends in my local area. The majority of them drink but they don’t make me feel awkward if we go out. I have taken up more exercise and do park run once a week. I also do a boot camp with a group of amazing women. I have developed a lot of online friendships via social media and I have felt like these friendships are great- people like Clover Stroud who is also sober. I can reach out to them if I have a wobble and need some support. The biggest thing is rethinking your social life. You can’t go to pubs all the time and enjoy it in the same way. You have to rejig your socialising and think about more daytime, more exercise, more films, less mindless drinking.

How crucial has the role of friends, family, support groups, social media, been in maintaining your sobriety?

Pretty important. However I am very stubborn and strong willed and once I decide something I won’t break. I am pretty rigid and don’t even like the idea of trying alcohol anymore.

Many people find it challenging to navigate social situations without alcohol. How have you adjusted to socialising without relying on alcohol, and what strategies have you found effective in those scenarios?

I have found it effective to decline a lot! I tend to stay a couple of hours. I drink non alcoholic beer or sometimes a nice mixer with a non alcoholic spirit. All of these drinks are emerging now that help you feel more included because you’re not just drinking Diet Coke. I leave when I want to. I think the most difficult thing has been that I still overthink things and forget people are drunk and won’t remember what I’ve said. I also have these fears that people think I’m boring but is there anything more boring than a really drunk person? We still have these association with drink being rebellious and fun though and those are hard to shake.

Have you encountered any misconceptions or stereotypes about individuals who choose to

abstain from alcohol? How do you navigate or challenge these perceptions?

The assumption is that you are an alcoholic and it makes British people very defensive so they always say things like -I never had a problem with booze! And the thing is neither did I. I just didn’t like the way it made me feel afterwards. And I didn’t even enjoy the high that much. So I hate getting into conversations with people about booze. I try and move it along. If you want to ask me about it then fine but don’t use me as an example of how you need to continue drinking. I’m not judging you. I am just making this choice for me!

Reflecting on your journey, are there specific coping mechanisms or alternative activities that have played a significant role in helping you manage stress or difficult emotions without turning to alcohol?

I think meditation. Just short 5 minute ones. Running definitely. I run about 4-5 times a week and I’m not very good at it but it helps me get out of my head. Loud music on. Something really rocky or hip hop and then I run slowly around the block about 4 or 5 times. It helps me stop ruminating. I have other vices. So even thought I’m sober I will very occasionally smoke. I don’t do it often but if it’s a party and others are then I will. So I guess just because I don’t drink doesn’t mean that I don’t occasionally do something stupid like have a fag. It’s not cut and dried!

What advice do you have for others who are considering giving up alcohol? Are there resources, strategies, or insights you wish you had known earlier in your journey?

I would just take it day by day and stop telling yourself that you don’t have a problem. If you feel shit when you drink and afterwards (or even if its’ just afterwards) then ask yourself if you’d carry on eating something that was making you feel sick? Would you keep sacrificing your mental health if it was bread? Or would you try and give it a miss? We are so imprinted to drink in the UK- we grow up with it, we see it in advertising, we associate it with motherhood, with occasions that are important, with conversations, with adulthood but ask yourself if you truly enjoy it or whether you have just been programmed to think you do?

Also if you are or suspect you are an alcoholic then seek professional advice and go to AA as a first port of call. It can be dangerous to give up alcohol if you are drinking a lot every day and you need professional help. No amount of meditation is going to help!

How has your physical health changed since quitting alcohol, and have you noticed any unexpected benefits or challenges in terms of your overall well-being?

My skin feels great. I feel less tired. I have more patience. I am more creative. I write more. The list is endless. I also have bad days where I feel shit and ache but I’m menopausal and ageing - also working and bringing up kids. But the removal of booze has definitely made my health and stamina better. I’ve lost weight but not that much because I still love food. I think that is something to watch out for- replacing booze with food which I did in the beginning for sure.

For many, the decision to stop drinking involves reevaluating ones identity and social circles. How has your sense of self evolved, and have your relationships with others transformed as a result of this lifestyle change?

I have far fewer friends. I often feel a bit lonely. I don’t get invited to many parties anymore. I also feel less exciting. These are just realities of a sober life. I also however tend to be a good judge of character. I know who are my people now. I choose to have fewer people in my life but the ones I have are good ones. I don’t actually care too much if people think I’m boring. I drank and took substances for many years and arguably I was a bit of a dick. I used to start fights with people and I’d argue and I’d get into big dramas. Not all the time but enough of the time. I spent a lot of time having to tidy these dramas up. There is nothing better than waking up and knowing that I haven’t said something awful to someone I love. That awful hangover fear of having been really out of order. I am still building a new life. It isn’t perfect right now but nothing is.

If you want to get in touch with Anniki or follow more of her work you can find her on instagram (she is seriously funny). Anniki has a growing newsletter hosted on substack called ‘Midlifitng it’. She writes about the joys and pitfalls of being a midlife woman. Plus if you haven’t read her book ‘How to be a boss at ageing’ - then I highly recommend it. So funny but so so insightful too. It made me feel very seen about my ageing journey.