How to stop hating on yourself
The way you talk to yourself matters.
How many times have you made a mistake and that voice inside your head says “that was stupid?” How often do you look in the mirror and hear yourself make a nasty comment about your appearance? Or maybe you’ve got this rhetoric that comes up before you have to do something big and scary that tells you “you can’t do this”.
We all have it. This self-talk. It’s the inner monologue that goes on inside our head. And most of the time, we might be pretty tuned-out to what it’s saying. But it’s there. And it matters. Research has shown that when we talk to ourselves negatively, it can increase our risk of mental health problems. And overtime, it can lead us to ruminate, become perfectionists, feel limited in our beliefs and make us feel low or depressed.
On the other hand, positive self-talk is supporting and affirming. It can improve our self esteem, help us handly stress better, feel less depressed and anxious, motivate us, help us feel more resilient and can even help us deal with chronic pain.
You see, our words are powerful. And once we realise that, we might choose which ones we use differently. We might become more conscious about how we’re talking to ourselves. It’s likely that you’ll always remember one or two words or phrases said to you in your lifetime by others - either because they felt so good to hear, or so bad…
Let’s start to notice
When it comes to self-talk, we’re often saying things without really noticing what they are, or the impact they might have over time. So really, the first step is to just notice.
It can feel overwhelming to think that we might have to change something we’ve been doing all our lives. But things come in stages. So even just becoming aware of the way you talk to yourself is incredibly powerful.
Taking a moment to pause each day and ask yourself “how have I been talking to myself today?” is a great way to start.
Over time, you may start to see that you pay more attention to the strong words and phrases you say to yourself in certain situations…when you feel stressed, when you have a little hiccup, when you’re getting ready to go out, or you’re trying something new.
There is power in noticing, as it can help stop the habitual thoughts we’ve picked up in their track, and provide some space to question them, and perhaps even replace them with more positive ones.
Name your inner jerk & your inner cheerleader
Once you’ve started to become aware of the self-talk that goes on in your head, you can start to name your inner jerk and your inner cheerleader.
Research has shown that adopting a third person perspective on self-talk can help you step back and think more objectively about your responses and emotions. It can help you see that you do get a choice in who you get to listen to as well.
Why not think of a name for the voice of the inner critic (your jerk) and your inner coach (your cheerleader). Once you’ve distinguished them, you can start to utilise them. When your jerk’s trying to tell you off for being human and making a mistake, it might say “you’re so silly, everyones going to laugh at you”, you might start to think “what would my cheerleader say in this situation instead?” It’s likely that in the case of making a mistake, they’d say "it’s ok, everyone makes mistakes, you’re still a good person!”.
Naming them can help you identify which thoughts we’d like to have less of, and which we’d like to have more of. Because no-one wants to listen to a jerk talk at them all day, do they?
Like any mindset shifts, this can take time. So be kind and gentle to yourself in this process. The next tip will help you too…
Talk to yourself like a friend
The old adage of “would you speak to a friend like this” is used for a reason. It can be so much easier for us to treat others with kindness and show them compassion. And that’s often because we’re so critical of ourselves that we don’t cut ourselves the slack we deserve.
Becoming your own best friend can be so beneficial for helping strengthen the voice of your inner cheerleader. When you notice negative self-talk rear it’s head, simply asking yourself “would I talk to a friend like this?” can really help give us some much needed perspective.
And to go even further, it’s important to know that we do have the ability to become a best friend to ourselves, so that no matter where we are, and who we’re with, we always have the ability to soothe ourselves through self-compassion and kind self-talk.
Ati, of Surrey Hills Wellness, has written the most beautiful piece on her journey to becoming her own best friend. She talks about the importance of spending time with yourself, of talking to yourself kindly, of self-touch & massage, using affirmations and cultivating self-confidence through boundaries.
Learning to become your own best friend is a deeply empowering practice. One that strengthens our own sense of self and ability to be in our corner, encouraging ourselves along day to day.
Give this a listen to today…
To get you started on a self-talk reboot, listen to this 12 min session today called “Let go of self-judgement” you can listen whilst you walk or rest. It’s the perfect session to help you cut yourself some slack & practise self-compassion
You can also boost your best friend powers with our latest Spotify playlist “POV, you’re your own bestie” It kicks off with our “My life is a one of a kind” affirmation session which is quick session designed to help remind you that you are unique, and that is a beautiful thing.