Let’s talk about shyness
Think about your friends - some of them are super outgoing, right? They love meeting new people, and chatting with others seems like a breeze for them. But for others, maybe starting a conversation isn't so easy. New places and big gatherings can make some feel jittery, and talking to people you don't know well can be pretty scary. That's what we call shyness, and guess what? It's totally normal! Some people feel shy at school or work but open up more with friends, while others do it the other way around.
This article is here to help you understand shyness better and discover ways to feel a little less shy in social situations. Plus, if you're not naturally shy, you'll learn how to be a great friend/colleague or partner to those who are.
So what is shyness?
"Shyness is when you feel a bit awkward or nervous around other people, especially when you're meeting new people or they're approaching you. It's like a feeling of being unsure or worried. Shyness happens because of a mix of how your brain works and how you've grown up and what you've been through in life." Source, Psychology Today.
And what’s the difference between shyness and being introverted?
Shyness and introversion are related but different aspects of a person's personality and behaviour:
Shyness:
Shyness is a feeling of social discomfort or anxiety when interacting with others, especially in new or unfamiliar situations.
It often involves a fear of negative judgment or rejection by others.
Shyness is more about the anxiety and apprehension in social situations and can vary in intensity from person to person.
Shyness is considered a behavioral response or a reaction to social situations, and it can change over time with practice and experience (this is good news).
Introversion:
Introversion is a personality trait where individuals tend to feel more comfortable and energized when they spend time alone or in smaller, quieter settings.
Introverts may prefer one-on-one interactions or small group gatherings over large, crowded events.
It's not about anxiety or fear of social situations but rather a natural preference for solitude or quieter environments.
Introversion is considered a stable personality trait, and introverts often embrace and value their alone time and introspective nature.
So really what we are saying is that shyness is more about the anxiety and discomfort in social situations, while introversion is about a preference for quieter, less stimulating environments and a tendency to feel more energized when alone. A person can definitely be both shy & introverted, but they are distinct characteristics. Hopefully that’s clear.
What kind of emotional impact can shyness have on people?
It differs for everyone but these are the most common emotional challenges:
Anxiety: Shyness can lead to heightened social anxiety and worry about negative judgments.
Low Self-Esteem: it can sometimes erode self-esteem and self-worth, leading to self-doubt.
Isolation: Shy people may avoid social situations, leading to social isolation and loneliness.
Stress: Trying to constantly be navigating social situations with shyness can be emotionally draining and result in chronic stress.
Ok so how on earth on can I start to overcome my shyness? Is it even possible?
Let’s start with yes it is absolutely possible to start to overcome shyness. It takes some time and practice but you can definitely work towards feeling much more comfortable in your way.
Here are some ideas on how to get started:
Firstly remember it’s something everyone struggles with to differing degrees and for different reasons. Once you know this hopefully it will give you some comfort that you aren’t alone.
Be patient. If this is something you’ve been dealing with for a long time, allow yourself the space and time to learn to be different.
Work on stretching your comfort zone. Rather than throwing yourself in at the deep end, consider what you are currently comfortable with, and expand on that just a little. If you’re ususally better in one to one conversations, maybe try meeting up with 3 or 4 people you feel safe with, and work at feeling comfortable holding conversation and interacting with a small group before expanding.
Use simple techniques to calm your nervous system. Shyness is just a tool our brain is using to keep us safe. We often don’t realise it, but the first place we feel unsafe is in our bodies. Then our body sends a signal to our brain to tell us to be scared. Learning how to feel safe in our body is an important step in stopping our mind from overthinking. Breathing techniques like ‘Box Breathing’ are really good at calming the nervous system. You can also listen to the Clementine app before you are going to do something that might feel outside of your comfort zone.
Stay in the present. A large part of shyness is based on assumption; assuming that someone might ask you something you don’t know the answer to, or you might make a mistake or do something embarrassing. These thoughts are all based on worrying about the future and this can often mean we forget to be present in the conversation or situation at hand. By choosing to only be in THIS present moment we have more control and that makes it easier to engage.
Be kind to yourself! Speaking harshly to yourself (even if it’s just in your head) is a sure fire way to have you doubting your abilities. Remember to treat yourself as you would someone else. Be respectful and kind, so that you feel relaxed and less stressed. And if this is something you really struggle this, try this session in the Clementine app ‘be kind to yourself’.
Written by Becca McLeish, Cognitive Hypnotherapist.
To find out more about how Becca could help you see her profile and book a complimentary chat.