Rewriting Your Relationship Patterns.

I’ve been thinking more and more about relationships lately. My relationship with my husband, my kids and my friends. I’d been seeing a lot of chat and articles about ‘attachment theories and styles and at first I thought these weren’t relevant to me as I thought they were just about dating. But after a bit more digging and a conversation with the therapist Charlotte Melki I realised they are relevant to anyone who wants to build a strong relationship. 

So let’s get into the details to discuss attachment struggles and how to heal without forcing it.

Q Charlotte, why do so many people struggle with attachment issues?

Because we’re wired for connection, that means, anything that feels like a threat to that connection…and your nervous system freaks out and enters the Fight, flight freeze stress response. It feels counterproductive but, really, it’s your nervous system trying to protect you. 

Most people think attachment struggles are about relationships. But, they’re actually just patterns your brain picked up early on to keep you safe. If love felt inconsistent, unpredictable, or like something you had to “earn” as a kid, your brain learned to expect instability.

This can show up as:

• Anxious attachment – over analysing texts, needing constant reassurance, freaking out if someone takes too long to reply. In friendships, this might look like feeling left out if plans are made without you or constantly worrying about whether people like you.

• Avoidant attachment – shutting down when things get too emotional, avoiding vulnerability like the plague. In friendships, this could mean keeping things surface-level, avoiding deep conversations, or disappearing when things feel too close.

• Fearful-avoidant attachment – craving closeness but panicking when you get it, pushing and pulling in relationships. In friendships, this might mean desperately wanting connection but feeling overwhelmed by it, leading to hot-and-cold dynamics.

But the important thing to remember is that these are patterns, they’re not who you are. Just old survival strategies. And since they’re learned, they can be unlearned.

Want the deep dive? Check out my article: How to Fix Attachment Issues Without Forcing It.

Q: How do I know if I’m stuck in one of these patterns?

Charlotte:

The biggest giveaway is that you feel immensely reactive, and these reactions feel WAY bigger than the situation calls for, almost as if you’re suddenly not quite in control of your response. Maybe you’re having a great day, and suddenly one unread message has you spiraling. Or you receive a text that gets you to snap back, telling yourself you don’t care, but then you calm down and feel uneasy about how you’ve handled the situation.

Some classic signs:

• Overthinking every interaction – reading texts like they’re ancient scrolls full of hidden meaning.

• Needing constant reassurance – struggling to feel secure unless someone’s actively proving their love.

• Craving intimacy, then running from it – wanting deep connection but feeling smothered when it happens.

• Trust issues on steroids – even in safe relationships, waiting for the inevitable betrayal.

And it’s not just about romance. These patterns show up in friendships, family, even how you relate to yourself. If relationships feel exhausting or you’re constantly seeking validation, your attachment style might be running the show.

The good news is the brain is plastic, which means what was once learned can be unlearned. And when it comes to neuroplasticity, awareness is what does the heavy lifting for you.. The second you start noticing these patterns instead of acting from them, you’re already changing them.

For more on how attachment styles impact relationships, read:How to Fix Attachment Issues Without Forcing It

Q: Where do you even start when it comes to healing attachment issues?

Charlotte:

The first and most important thing to understand is that you are not broken, so you don’t need fixing. See, your default setting is to be ok, your “ok-ness” is a bit like a cork that’s being held underwater, it constantly tries to get back to the surface. The judgment we put on ourselves is what keeps the cork down. What you do need is to see your patterns clearly without judgment—because once you do, they start losing their grip.

Here’s what helps:

1. Catch Your Triggers (Without Judging Them) Next time you start spiraling—overthinking, pulling away, craving reassurance—pause. Ask yourself:

“Is this thought actually helping me, or is it just an old script?”

Just asking this moves you from a full-blown emotional reaction to a detached observer. And that? That’s where the shift begins.

2. Rewire Your Subconscious with Hypnotherapy Most self-help stays on the surface, but attachment responses live deep in the unconscious. That’s why hypnotherapy is a game-changer. It works by: 

✔ Rewiring old patterns so triggers don’t control you. 

✔ Stopping self-sabotaging cycles in their tracks. 

✔ Helping you create actual, secure emotional responses.

3. Move from “Attachment Mode” to “Self-Trust Mode” We cling to unhealthy patterns because we don’t trust ourselves. The second you start asking:

“What if I could trust that I will be ok, no matter what happens (even if it doesn’t feel this way now) how would this change my experience of the situation?”

“What if I didn’t need to care too much about how I feel right now, what would I do next?”

…you start creating real emotional freedom.

Q: What’s one thing you want people to know about healing attachment?

Charlotte:

That healthy connection is innate, it’s not something we learn it’s something we have already built into us. Babies don’t need to learn how to connect with their careers they do it naturally. So, you can relax. You’ve got this. The only thing in the way of you and healthy relationships is your thoughts.

If you want to go deeper, If you’re ready to shift your relationship patterns, stop self-sabotaging, and finally feel secure in yourself, I’m offering a limited number of free 30-minute consultation calls. We’ll unpack what’s keeping you stuck and what will actually help.

Feeling stuck in relationships and ready for a change? apply for a free 30-minute consultation with Charlotte here